Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.
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When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
kevin is now a local weatherman
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.