Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR