Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

ㅤ

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!