Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trumpy Cat

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Rather alarming headline…

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.