Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

i want to work in this restaurant

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.