Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Bruh PLEASE
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.