Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me opening up to someone
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas