Sir!!
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
guys I’m going home
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
no cat here
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please