Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

every. time.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.