Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This is a whole mood;
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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This was a bad idea all around