Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.