Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

scared to check what name she chose

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me