Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

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[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.


Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.


Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason


REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*


Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM


Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold