@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

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@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@Shingaboop

Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.

@TrainedHedonist

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

@pant_leg

the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason

@TheCatWhisprer

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

@EndhooS

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold