[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.