Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

feetloaf

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA