‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.