‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The human personality is made of five key elements
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Duolingo getting serious.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there