‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.