Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people