Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
You Might Also Like
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
This anagram machine is out of order.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
oh my gosh!!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.