Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

incredible google review i just found

◾️

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.