Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

The biggest mystery of our time

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

How many? 🤔

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.