SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
You Might Also Like
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Breaking news:
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.