Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

My boss called in sick of me

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.