Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

as the prophecy foretold

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm