Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

When I said I liked it rough.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.