Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
True
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”