Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes