Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.