Siri, fight Alexa.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
