Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Overindulged this afternoon.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

lol

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?