siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
LOL!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind