Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean