“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.