“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
this is so top tier i cant
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.