“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
You Might Also Like
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.