Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.