Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.