GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks