Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold