Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

okay run it by me one more time

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

favorite tropes as memes

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.