Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast