Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
