Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
A choir of Spring onions
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast