Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
😅🤣😂
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.