Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Me too 😆

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Those are good neighbors.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s