Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket