Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen