Siri: Retweet me.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Love is always patient and kind.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37