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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
😂🐈⬛
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Frankenstein?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling