Siri: Retweet me.
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
💀😭
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.