Siri: Retweet me.
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it’s the silliest best thing
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
sometimes we need to be reminded
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.