Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-