Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*