“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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We’ve all been there…
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Body by sandwich.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.