“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
fly smarter, not harder
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*pokes sex life with a stick
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?