“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?