Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”