Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime