Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.