Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

This is so me 😂😂

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Best mom ever 😂

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading