SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…