Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Tuesday

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do