Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Cha-ching is my safe word

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”