SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
What is going on? 😅
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms