SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.