“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.