“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest