Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

I have never related to a cat more

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal