Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa