Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
We decided to have money instead of children.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.