Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’d love this…lol
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.