Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.