Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Same post same
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard