Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

People buying plungers never look happy.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.