How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Squirrels before girls.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.